The Five People Sirius Greets in Hell
by seriousblahblah
Summary: You don't want to bark up the wrong tree, especially if they have a chainsaw, blowtorch and are mad as hell about being locked up for 12 years. Sirius Black in a devilish performance. Very Black comedy, now with Voldemort and Bellatrix head minigolf! (This is a dark reversal of my other story 'The 5 People Snape Meets in Heaven') Chapter 8: Harry receives mysterious package!
1. Peter

A/N: This is a Halloween companion piece to my other story "The 5 People Snape Meets in Heaven"; it's basically the complete crackfic opposite of that and as gory and silly-evil as possible. Please don't take this seriously. Though if you are a Gary Oldman fan, please imagine a manic young Gary Oldman wielding a chainsaw and smiling widely as he acts like a complete deranged psychopath :-)...If you've read "The 5 People Snape Meets in Heaven", I think you can imagine who might be the 5 people Sirius might be meeting...

Warning: dark crack!fic

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 **1\. Barking Up the Wrong Tree**

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Sirius laughed as he wielded a chainsaw and machete around the poor soul who had just so happened to arrive in hell, a.k.a. eternal damnation.

"Well, Peter Pettigrew," Sirius sneered with true bloody joy on his face. "How are you enjoying your stay in my underground lair so far?"

They were both surrounded by flames and Peter Pettigrew had been conjured so that his animagus was a tree, who had several limbs already cut off by Sirius's chainsaw.

The tree, who still had Peter Pettigrew's face in the middle, shrugged and hollered in pain again. "Quit cutting off my branches! Please have some mercy!"

Sirius, who had grown horns and whose skin had turned red, shook his read and grinned again as he revved up the chainsaw and the loud, engine starting roaring.

"That is a laugh Peter!" he said, as if they were kids again sharing a good joke. "You mean like the mercy you showed me when you wrongly accused me, framed me and left me to rot in Azkaban for 12 years?"

Peter Pettigrew-the-tree started shaking his branches. "Please Sirius...I may be a tree right now but I still feel pain, it hurts, it _HURTS!"_

Sirius laughed even louder as he waved his loud, churning chainsaw towards him and aimed to slice off one of the bigger branches near Peter's bottom. "That's just too fucking bad!"

 _Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr_ the chainsaw screeched and wood pulp went flying as Sirius laughed louder and louder.

"On the highway to hell," Sirius sang. "Merlin, I love being the devil!"

"Ahhhhhhh!" Peter screeched as his tree animagus was reduced to a lousy stump of cut-off limbs.

"We'll make you into paper and stationary, Peter," Sirius hollered over the sounds of his chainsaw. "It'll be great fun to see you sold off piece by piece in a muggle stationary store!"

Even as the Devil himself, Sirius still had his wicked sense of humour.

He better call up Staples and ask them if they need any paper with rat tails printed on them. Oh being the devil was good fun!

~o~

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a/n- happy early halloween ;) and continue reading for more gore and pulp-fiction...XD


	2. Peter part II

**[Halloween Bingo Prompt: Azkaban]** **[Warning for more tree violence]**

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 **2\. Burning Down the Stump**

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"AZKABAN!? You left me in Azkaban Peter?!" Sirius screamed at the top of his lungs.

Peter by now had been reduced to a pitiful stump of a tree with just his face sticking out of the measly, sappy trunk. Much like his real life personality.

"I'm— uh—sorry?" Peter attempted to apologize for the hundredth time.

Sirius put away his chainsaw for a second to contemplate whether to forgive Peter Pettigrew or not. Sirius placed his hands on his chin, as one of his feet stepped on the stump. "Hmm...forgive or not to forgive, Peter, the rat, that is the question," he rambled to himself in some psychotic state that was mixing up his life with Hamlet. "Whether tis better to go drown with a sea of sorrows, outrageous fortune, slings and arrows, that sort of thing or just to ax away at the root of the problem... _Hmm hmmm hmm._.." he began to hum, before getting out a blowtorch and laughing.

"Ha ha ha! I think not, Peter!" he said gladly and pulled the trigger so that the blowtorch spat out a jet of flames into the air. "You know the best way to get rid of a tree stump, you know the muggle way? It's to burn it, you see, because it's got such long roots, that you have to cover the stump in kerosene and then light a match to it! Isn't that brilliant Peter?"

Peter the tree whimpered. "P-lease," he croaked. But Sirius had a mad glint in his eyes as he began emptying a canister of kerosene on top of the stump.

"You're going to like this Peter, hold on, we'll get you out of the ground. We'll burn your lousy stump right out of the ground!"

He winked as he turned on the blow torch and watched a huge jettison of flames reach out and engulf the tree stump.

Peter screamed madly. "It burns, _IT BURNS!"_

Sirius sat back down, conjuring up a lawn chair and tequila drink, to watch the bonfire. "Should've thought of that before you framed me," he said and took a sip of his drink. "Prick."

He then began to flip through the Daily Prophet and grinned as he saw that Albus Arsehole Dumbledore was still alive. "Now that is someone I need to pay a visit to! He was there at my scammy Wizegamot trial and just let them lock me up without even a trace of evidence!" Sirius laughed and rubbed his hands together, as he watched the pitiful stump reduced to flames, Peter still screaming in agony.

"Not now Peter, I have no time for chit-chat, I've got Dumbledore to catch next. Bye-bye, catch you later...if you're still around! Though why do I have a feeling you'll just be ashes by the time I come back?" He pretended to frown as Peter cried again in burning, smoking agony.

He was about to leave but then smiled and shook his head. "Wait, what am I talking about? How selfish of me! I should leave you music before I go!" Sirius then snapped his wand again and a muggle radio appeared before them. "You're going to like this Pete." Sirius grinned and pressed play. An 80s song _"Burning Down the House"_ by _Talking Heads_ began to play.

Sirius's hips swayed to the beat as he left the burning stump behind and jumped on his magic trampoline to the surface of the earth where Dumbledore, unaware, awaited.

"Ahhhh WATCH OUT! You might get what you're after!" Sirius bellowed as he jumped and flew up towards the city of London. He snapped his fingers again to make his horns disappear and appear like a normal wizard as he landed in Diagon Alley.

~o~

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a/n - dumbledore was next...


	3. Dumbledore

**[Warning for more fire :)]**

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 **3.** **Dumbledore and the Order of the Pheonix on Fire**

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It was a bright sunny day.

Perfect for torturing people and then sending them to eternal damnation.

Sirius strolled along the blazing hot sidewalks with a pair of aviator sunglasses. He watched the attractive London women swaying their hips as he walked along the London streets before he snapped his fingers again and was apparated to King's Cross Station. He enjoyed a nostalgic ride on the Hogwarts Express all the while contemplating everything he was going to do to Dumbledore.

"Watch out Dumbledore," Sirius chuckled to himself as he stepped right through the wards guarding Hogwarts and used his telekinetic psychotic devil power to burn a hole through Dumbledore's door.

Dumbledore stood up in shock when he saw that some wizard had burned a hole through his thick, stone office door.

"How did you find me here?" the wizard asked with a gravelly voice as he stared sternly at him.

"Please!" Sirius laughed. "It wasn't hard to find you, I found you in the phone book!"

Sirius danced a little jig as he made his way around the familiar headmaster's office, remembering all the times he got in trouble here or spanked as a little boy when he was still a student and Marauder under Dumbledore's tutelage. Of course, the spanking and punishment was about to go all the other way now.

"This is preposterous," Dumbledore said and rubbed nervously at his long beard. "I'm not in the phone book! Nor in the muggle one!"

"Ha! Ha ha ha, ah life is funny!" Sirius wiped away a stray tear of laughter. He really was enjoying this. "Of course, you're not in the muggle phone book, you great big prat!"

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows in confusion at being insulted by his former pupil. But Sirius just shook his head, trembling with even more laughter, as he took out a long, large black book.

He smashed the huge, 2-foot wide black book on Dumbledore's desk, nearly breaking it.

"This is the book you're in Dumbles. Recognize it?" he teased to be vengeful.

"What—?" Dumbledore gasped and started to sweat nervously. "N-not the book of Eternal Damnation."

"Afraid so, Dumbles," Sirius said cheerfully and magically flipped through the million page extendable book until he landed right on the page that had Dumbledore's name there in plain ink. "Your name is Albus Wulfric Dumbledore isn't it?" he asked behind his lowered glasses.

"But- but - but," Dumbledore stammered, his beady little eyes suddenly looking for an escape route out of his cozy office. "There must be some mistake, I'm a good guy! I'm the hero, I'm the headmaster, I'm the one who stood up to Voldemort!"

"BAHAHAHA. Ah, that's classic." Sirius trembled with laughter as he took out his wand, which was a miniaturized version of his pitchfork from hell. "I said the same thing, 'You've got the wrong guy!'" Sirius shivered as he stepped closer to Dumbledore. "Somehow nobody believed me, and you didn't do a thing about it or visit me once in those 12 years in prison you could have inquired once to help me or prove my innocence."

"Pl-please, Sirius, I'm sorry, I genuinely thought you were guilty. You w-were always a troublemaker at Hogwarts, I assumed—"

"You assumed wrong, arsehole." Sirius pointed his wand at Dumbledore and a huge burst of flames came flickering out towards the old man. "I may have been a joker, but I was never a bad person...Until I became the devil, of course. Then I changed."

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" The headmaster screamed as his robes caught on fire.

Sirius wasn't too bothered though. He kicked back his heels and sat in Dumbledore's chair for a bit, wondering what it would be like if he were headmaster. Hmm. No, it was funner down in hell.

Now he flipped open the Book of Damnation again and gazed lovingly at the long list of names; there was never any shortage of fun.

"And next for a little old visit, is Umbridge!"

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a/n: More dark halloween comedy...also I changed the the title again because I realized that I'm writing a story that's basically the opposite of my other story 'The 5 People Snape Meets in Heaven'. I guess this is the Halloween version?

Happy halloween

~siriusbarks


	4. Umbridge

**Thank you for reading, faving and following :) More evil, devilish Sirius coming up...Warning: for spice. Also you may be interested to know that I ship Umbridge/Sirius in chapter 18 of Sirius Player crack!fic but that romance won't be happening here since Sirius is doing his formal devil duties here and can't stray on the job ;) Warning: for unexpected violence and...kittens?**

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 **4\. Toadette**

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He found Umbridge in her cozy, little office in the Ministry of Magic. Somehow, despite all the awful things she'd done to incriminate herself during the war, Dolores Umbridge had managed to manipulate her way out of prison, clear her name and through more lies, polyjuice, and manipulation, even get her old job back at the Ministry. Even if not as high-ranking as her old position as Hogwart's High Inquisitor, Dolores was on the payroll of the government again and even more busily setting her grubby little fingers on creating more webs of entanglement...

The toadette certainly got around. Last time he checked, Umbridge was part of the reason an embargo on wand woods had been created; she had shares in the rival company and was using her cozy, office job—and its conflicts of interest—to benefit her bank account. Quite heavily.

Sirius chuckled to himself; he was almost impressed by the woman's depravity. She was quite devilish and might even give him—the Prince of Darkness—a run for his money.

The woman was pure, sycophantic, undisguised evil...wrapped colourfully in pink and kitten tea cozies.

Ah, he was going to enjoy this visit.

Deciding to be polite and toy with her a bit first, he knocked at the door.

"Come in," the saccharine sweet voice replied from within.

Sirius smirked to himself and brushed his long, dark hair back as he entered the Pink Kingdom of Dolores Umbridge's office—which was decked floor to ceiling again with kitten plates and pink wallpaper—and met with his match. The devil in pink herself.

"Dolores," he grit out the name like an old scratch on a record player you both hated and yet couldn't quite get rid of. It was the sort of groove you liked to feel your fingers across many times over, just to see how deshaped and deformed it was. Umbridge was like that. A scratch, a foul deshaped soul...and yet sort of charmingly wicked in a way. If only she hadn't made the mistake of messing with his godson.

"Sirius?" Dolores Umbridge's pale blue eyes were startled when she saw who it was. "Sirius Black?" She began to cough and sputter uncomfortably. "I - uh thought you were dead," she chuckled and looked around worriedly as if seeking an escape from her office. "Or-or- did you just decide to walk out of the Veil again for a stroll? Well welcome back!" she said with false cheeriness while trying to grab her wand.

Sirius levitated her wand out of her grasp before using his nonverbal devil powers to ignite the little stick into flames. Umbridge watched in horror as her precious wand was reduced to a pitiful pile of ashes on her desk. Not that the wand or Umbridge could have hurt him in the first place. Not anymore, he was an immortal being now and it was rather tiresome at times dealing with these sordid little human insects who thought they could still fight him or find a way out of hell.

Sirius sighed heavily before slamming the door shut behind them and trotting up to her desk. "May I sit down?" he asked with mock-politeness.

"Why, of —of course, Sirius." Umbridge tried to laugh off his uncanny Lazarus-like visit. She really had no idea what she had coming. Her eyes were still drifting around the room like she was searching for an escape from him and from damnation, as if that were really possible. No one escaped fate.

Sirius smiled widely and crossed his arms, deciding to toy with her further. "Do you know why I'm here? Look me in the eyes, please, Dolly when you answer me."

Dolores nervously looked up into his smirking grey eyes and then shuddered when she saw that he had flames of red inside his pupils.

"Uh—uhm," she began to sweat in his fiery presence. "I don't know, Sirius, your eyes seem a bit different, did you just come back from the Veil...?" Her hands fidgeted nervously with her pink feathered quill.

"Dolly," he hissed, gritting out her name like an old song. Her name felt rugged and worn on his lips. And he knew why. This was the P.O.S. who tortured his godson, scratching scars into his skin and abusing her power to torture and berate other students. This was the manipulative slime who made sure Harry Potter was unable to reach him the night of his death in the Department of Mysteries. This was the female word for a dog who prevented him from communicating with Harry by Floo or owls because she patrolled and turned Hogwarts into a totalitarian regime when she was High Inquisitor.

"Surely, you know why I'm here."

The woman started to pale and her wide, toad-like face began to sweat. "I mean, surely, you can't mean—"

Sirius smirked and snapped his wand again so that his horns grew back.

"Do you understand now?"

"No!" Umbridge gulped. "It can't be! Hell isn't real! You're dead!"

Sirius chuckled lowly. "I am dead serious, Dolly. You've committed many sins and I'm afraid I've come here on official business. Whether you believe in it or not, you're in my book." He waved his wand again and the Book of Damnation fell open with a huge, loud slam onto her desk.

He waved his wand and the pages began flipping until they reached the page with her name.

Sirius raised a brow. "That is your name isn't it?"

Umbridge's mouth was left hanging open in terror. For a moment she could not get out any word but then she began shaking and gazed up at him. "What does this mean? What are you going to do?"

Sirius rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Well," he began. "As much as I'd like to blowtorch your hair off, hacksaw your face apart with a pick-axe and wrench apart your spleen by ripping it straight out of your organs...I don't hit women."

Dolores batted her eyelashes. "You don't?"

"No. I get my female demonesses to do it for me." He winked and snapped his wand again.

"What?" Umbridge barely had time to process this before several of his favourite, most violent demonesses were summoned up from the ground and grabbed Umbridge by the shoulders and started ripping her apart.

"AAAHHHHHHHHHahhhhhhahhahahahah! Help! Helpppp!" Umbridge screeched as the demonesses attacked her hair, horrendous pink outfit and face.

"Ah, good work Teena and Susie!" Sirius cheered as the female demonesses used their claws and long fangs to rip apart Dolores Umbridge like a squeaky pink chewtoy in the mouth of two cats.

Umbridge screamed in agony as the two feline demonesses chased her around the office, scratching at her. Umbridge would never think fondly of a cat or kitten again.

Teena, his favourite feline demoness, was especially enjoying herself and using her long claws to dig into Dolores's pink sweater, while Susie hissed at her.

"SIRIUS PLEASE HAVE MERCY!" Umbridge called over her shoulder as his two demonesses chased her, and she tried to hide under a large kitten plate.

"Hmm," Sirius thought aloud. "D'you think you could put that Floo call in back when my godson was trying to reach me in the Department of Mysteries, or maybe take away the scars you left in his hand calling him a liar?"

"BUT THAT WAS YEARS AGO!" Umbridge screeched as his demon-kittens continued to scratch at her and lick at her blood. "The war is over!" Umbridge yelped.

"No, you're over, Dolly! And you know what I never forgive?" His eyes were pure dark red slits now. "Liars who call innocent people liars. My godson has never been a liar and neither have I! We DON'T TELL LIES!"

He snapped his wand again and Umbridge let out one more cry of agony as Sirius used his cat demonesses to carve _'I must not tell lies_ ' across her hypocritical body over and over again. _'I must not tell lies''I must not tell lies'._

Sirius wiped off the flecks of blood from his face. "Never call me or my godson a liar again, you old bitch."

His cat-demonesses purred even louder in approval and Sirius chuckled as he pet them.

"Take care of her, my kittens. But take your time, there'll be plenty more time to play with her in eternity."

Sirius left the little cozy pink office with Umbridge and the two demonesses. Pretty soon the pink walls would be all red. But for now, anyone walking by, would just think that it was the same Dolores Umbridge, playing with her cats.

And that was just purrfect.

Sirius smirked. "That one was for you, Harry."

He then checked his pocketbook agenda. _Oh dammit, being the devil was a 24/7 12/12 eternity night shift. And he loved every minute of it!_

 _Next on the list...Oh my._ Sirius's red eyes widened in delight. Now this was an special occasion, indeed!

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 ** _Also bonus! Deleted scene from this chapter:_**

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"Hey girls!" Sirius called. "Take your time, remember you have to put back all the pieces together so that we can start again down below!"

"Oops, sorry, boss," Susie the demoness said and coughed out Dolores Umbridge's heart before she swallowed it.

The little red heart fell with a thud onto the pink carpet.

Sirius grimaced. Dolores Umbridge's heart was truly small.

"Take this meat down to the Underworld, kittens! Goodbye Umbridge!"

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NEXT: ? WHO could it be now? Voldemort? The Dursleys? Bellatrix? Who do you think wronged Sirius the most? (bearing in mind this is comedy so even though dumbledore didn't really deserve to be tortured, they will be generously and exagerratedly flamed and punished in this story..)


	5. Bellatrix

**5\. Bellatrix**

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Sirius knew just where to find his deranged cousin, Bellatrix.

Bellatrix, of course, had no idea that since he died and fell through the Veil, he'd actually been transported to Hell where the current reigning dark lord of the underworld, decided it was time for retirement - and who better to pass the torch to than a Marauder? - that is how Sirius got his horns.

Sirius wondered how Bellatrix would like his new horns. Or react to his new powers, and the vengeance that burned in his red pupils.

 _"How do you like me now?"_ Sirius chuckled to himself as he wet the tips of his hairs and fashioned his hair in a particular muggle punk-rock look that Bella had _absolutely_ hated when they were both younger. Bellatrix had never approved of his punk rebellion, muggleborn and werewolf friends, or being the only Black sorted into Gryffindor.

The grubby little snake had helped turn his family against him by loudly reporting and gossiping on everything he did at Hogwarts and passing it on back to Walburga, Orion and all his aunts and uncles. The public shunning and his eventual disownment (and burning from the family tapestry) hadn't happened much long after. Sirius had no doubt that Bellatrix had cackled to herself when she found out, and she was still cackling 20 years later when she pushed Sirius through the Veil. She'd had no remorse either about torturing his friends Alice and Frank Longbottom into madness, until they couldn't even remember their names. And she'd taken glee in trying to kill the only decent member of the Black family: Nymphadora Tonks.

Well, time to return the favour.

Sirius knocked at the door of Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange's manor at the edge of Parselborn and Brooke street.

He only waited a few minutes before the large, creaking wood door was opened by a shaking house-elf and he was shown in.

"Thank you," he muttered to the scar covered house-elf. He tried to pat it on its little bald head but the house-elf shrunk away in fear. Obviously, the house-elf was used to only getting abusive blows from wizards.

Sirius grimaced. "Don't worry, your troubles are all over tonight."

His masters would soon both be dead and become his private human house-elves, shackled up and wearing matching pillow-cases, in hell. Sirius smirked to himself as he imagined the many tasks he would assign to Belly and Roddy the human house-elves to do without using magic.

The smile on Sirius's face immediately dissolved when he heard his familiar cousin's voice come down the hallway.

"Dinky!" Bellatrix's voice screeched. "Why did you let visitors in without telling me first! Didn't I tell you not to let anyone in without checking first! You stupid, dumb brute!"

Dinky was heard squeaking apologies before Bellatrix yelled again and the house-elf was heard crying and screaming in pain.

 _"Crucio! Crucio!_ You damn useless elf!"

Bella was still panting from giving the house-elf the Cruciatus Curse, and her long, wild black locks were tangled up and swirling around her mad, sunken-in face, when she saw Sirius.

"Enjoying yourself?" Sirius asked. He winked at her, leaning leisurely back on her couch, his legs crossed at the ankles.

"What are you doing here?" Bellatrix's voice came out in a harsh whisper. Her thick, heavy lidded eyes fell over him as she stared at him disbelief, wondering how someone she thought she'd killed had appeared once more and was currently sitting in her gloomy Victorian drawing room.

"Well, aren't you going to greet me? I'm your family," Sirius said sarcastically, his hands holding tightly onto his pitchfork-wand.

"You filthy blood traitor!" Bellatrix barked while showing her pointy white teeth. "I thought I killed you, you're no family of mine!" She raised her pointy wand and smirked. "Actually, I'm glad you came back Sirius, so I could finish the job!"

Sirius laughed. "Please, as if you could kill me the first time! You were just lucky I was distracted and had the Veil behind me, otherwise I'd never have fallen in."

Bellatrix narrowed her menacing black eyes at him. "And how did you get back from the Veil, _cousin?_ " she spat the word in disgust. Clearly, she was still angry, even beyond death, to be related to a blood-traitor.

Sirius grinned and took his time to lean back leisurely on her couch, before finally revealing his horns.

They grew steadily and grotesquely out of his forehead until two, large, twisted, black horns stood out from his head like magnificent antlers. Except better. James's antlers when he was Prongs would be put to shame by how large Sirius's current horns were.

"Do you like them?"

"I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A FREAK SIRIUS! YOU AND YOUR MUTANT FRIENDS AND FILTHY HALFBLOODS!" Bellatrix screeched and started wildly aiming spells at him. The little green and blue spells flew and fell off him like an onslaught of pitiful fireworks.

Sirius laughed as all her mortal spells fell off him like rainwater. "Can't you tell how futile your efforts are, Belly?"

"Ha! Don't taunt me again, you bloodtraitor! _Crucio_ , you mangy dog! Remember how it ended for you last time you taunted me? I won!" She tried to Avada Kedavra him.

Of course, the killing spell didn't exactly work if you were already 1) dead 2) immortal or 3), all of the above, plus the Devil Himself.

"Okay that's enough." Sirius said and brushed aside the green flames of the killing curse that affected him just as much as a fart did. "I'm tired of seeing you wave around that stick like you can actually control or do something with it. You never got the proper training to use your magic did you?"

"I got involved in Dark Magic! I know more than you!" Bellatrix hissed maniacally.

Sirius let out a deep chuckle. "Oh, I'm steeped in Dark Magic alright. You wouldn't believe the magic I learned in Hell! The demons and I have a righteous time exchanging spells!" He slapped his knee, enjoying the look of horror on his cousin's face. "Alice, in particular, knows a lot about torturing the souls in our custody..."

"Hell?" Bellatrix spouted. "HELL doesn't exist! And if it does, it's filled with filthy mudbloods, not purebloods!"

Sirius checked his watch. He expected this to be more fun, but really, spending any time with Bellatrix and how delusional she was, quickly grew tiring. "Actually, I live in hell. It's quite cozy, I mean the furnace is always turned up. But there's a lot to do, like torturing crazy bitches like yourself, but - I'm afraid to disappoint you - hell is mixed company. The purebloods and muggles are all mixed together."

"Mixed company?" Bellatrix shrieked. "I'd rather die than spend time with a filthy mudblood or muggle!"

His grey eyes with their red pupils checked his watch. "Don't worry. Your time is up, anyways. It'll be just a few more minutes now."

"A few more minutes until what?!" Bellatrix hissed.

"A few more minutes until you're dead and I can take you to hell. There's two people who want to meet you."

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"Alice and Frank Longbottom?!" Bellatrix shrieked.

"Yes," Sirius informed her with a grin. "I found them in St. Mungo's and since their mortal lives are pretty much ruined since you tortured them into insanity, they decided it was no longer worth living. So I offered them a position here, as part of my demon squad."

"Demon squad?" Bellatrix cackled. "Oh, please, I know the shy, muggle filth that Alice and Frank were! They didn't have the guts to stand up to me."

Sirius sighed. Some people never learned. Well, time for her to find out herself.

He coughed and scratched at his horns, which felt unusually heavy and itchy in the damp heat of hell. "Well, you'll find becoming demons, changes people." He clapped with hands. "Alice and Frank Longbottom, you may come in now, I've got your supper served!"

"W-hat?"

Bellatrix stood back as a large door swung open and two huge black dogs, the size of two buffalo, came in.

"They're two dogs! Nothing but two mangy dogs like you were yourself, Sirius!" Bellatrix gasped, her eyes moving shiftily between the mutts.

Sirius corrected her. "Hell-hounds actually. They're related to Cerberus and Fluffy, you may know them?"

Alice and Frank started growling and barking at the witch.

"Don't worry, they'll rip off your head and innards but when they poop you out, you'll be put into one piece back over again. It's a special spell that makes it easy for them to get the most fun out of eating and torturing people. You know what they say about not playing with your food?" Sirius paused to watch Bellatrix's dark eyes widen in fear. "That doesn't apply here. Have at 'em, doggies!"

 _"Gggggrrrrrrr."_ Frank "Devil Dog" Longbottom showed his fangs as he recognized the witch who had tortured him back on earth.

"Nice doggy," Bellatrix squeaked and started to back away.

She shivered when Alice "BadBone" Longbottom, an even more gnarly-looking large mutt, raised its nose towards her and sniffed at her. Alice, trained as a blood-hound, immediately recognized the scent of her attacker. Alice snarled at her, showing off thick, razor-sharp teeth.

"Nice, hell hound. Um, I'm sorry...about that ..uh torture thing..back on earth -"

Alice and Frank rounded in on her and Bellatrix barely had time to finish her sentence before the two hell-hounds started biting into her and ripping her apart like a bone they really, really wanted to chew on.

"Take your time, doggies, really savour the flavour! Remember you'll have thousands of times to redo this later, but nothing is quite like the first time, is it?"

 _"AHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!"_

"Don't worry, Belly!" Sirius called over from his throne, where he was enjoying the show. "Once they eat you completely, they'll poop you out and then the whole thing can start again!

"Hellllllllpppppppp! Have some mercy, WE ARE FAMILY FOR MERLIN'S SAKE!" Bellatrix shook as Alice and Frank took turns biting into her.

"Actually, I've disowned YOU," Sirius said. He flicked his wand and a copy of the Black Family tapestry appeared. He pointed at her name on the tree. "You're this burned little spot here, and you see the rest of the family? Well, at least half of our family is here, and they've also been burnt off. Genius isn't? I just love disowning family. No special treatment!"

"Nooooooooooo! Don't let the hell-hounds get me! Stay away you filthy mutts!"

Sirius chuckled and wiped away a tear. "Ah no. You don't go insulting my dogs. Remember I'm a filthy mutt too?"

He winked at her as Alice and Frank Longbottom dragged the screaming witch away.

Sirius felt at his ears. Ouch, he almost had a ring in his ear after all that screaming. He had better get ear-plugs next time. Bellatrix's voracious screaming might damage his hearing.

Suddenly he heard the ringtone from his phone and took it out. It was a call from his demon Lucifer Junior.

"Sirius, my lord, good news! We have secured the last horcrux and the bald guy with no-nose is all yours. He is horcrux free. I repeat, he is horcrux free and he can now be taken down! Your godson will no longer have to be burdened with this task."

"Excellent." Sirius took a long sip from his devil's cup. "Absolutely excellent."

His pupils flashed with pure red flames. Anyone whom he laid his eyes on with those flames had better run, run, run...

.

.

* * *

a/n run run run psycho killer ba ba ba ba ba ba...

So I think Voldemort is next? Or does anybody think there should be a side-helping of Dursleys and fries with that? ;) Disclaimer: I do not actually believe in torturing people. I'm quite forgiving irl. But this is darkcrackfic and unhinged Sirius, so make what you will of it and I might bring in a surprise character from the trio in the last chapter, no spoilers though


	6. Voldemort

**6\. Voldemort**

* * *

Voldemort. Tom Riddle. The Dark Lord. The fanatical leader of the Death Eaters. He-who-must-not-be-named.

Sirius just liked to call him That Wanker. And him and his Death Eaters could go stuff it.

The only one eating death today was Voldemort, rammed up his throat and other unsavoury locations.

Sirius chuckled to himself. That Bald, Noseless Wanker still had no idea his Horcruxes had all been destroyed and he was mortal once more.

Not that Sirius was going to let him get away with it.

Tom Marvolo Riddle's name had been in the Book of Damnation's _Top Wanker list_ for a long time coming and even Death himself had been pissed that they could not lay a hand on That Wanker. Until now.

Sirius clenched his fists and felt his horns and steel, claw-like nails sharpen and grow thicker and blacker.

"Today's a good day to be alive," he chuckled. "...and the Devil."

Sirius was feeling very lucky that he could finally cash in on his Voldemort I.O.U. Hell money and finally get the asswipe who killed his best friend James, Lily, and attempted to kill Harry too many times to count. He was going to enjoy this.

"This time it's personal."

"This time it's for James."

Sirius snapped his fingers and a little paper ticket appeared in his hands. He smirked.

Voldemort would like this final prank by the Marauders.

.

* * *

Voldemort was alone in his throne at the Wankers Estate and gently humming to himself as he fantasized yet again of killing Harry Potter. Because apparently, Voldemort was such a powerful and wise wizard that he couldn't kill a 16 year-old kid.

 _He's almost laughable, he's so pathetic,_ Sirius thought as he kicked down the door.

Voldemort looked up and his slit, red pupils narrowed in hatred.

"HOW DARE ANYONE ENTER! DIDN'T I TELL YOU DEATH EATERS TO KNOCK FIRST?!"

Voldemort took out his spindly, beaded wand and pointed it at the cloaked figure, who was dressed all in black and wearing a hood over his head.

"Reveal yourself," Voldemort whispered furiously. "I would like to see the face of my defector, before I kill you."

Sirius smirked as he pulled down the hood and revealed himself, horns and all.

"Recognize me, arsehole?"

Voldemort, also known as That Wanker, began to sputter. "B-b-but how? Did you create another Horcrux too, Sirius? You're supposed to be dead!" Voldemort eyed Sirius's horns jealousy. "And why did you get reborn with horns? All I got were these lousy snake eyes and no-nose when I came back from the dead!"

Sirius began to laugh, deeply and richly, enjoying how pissed off and ugly Voldemort's noseless face was. "Oh, you're such a pathetic, petty imbecile." Sirius pointed at his large, black and awesomely grotesque horns. "I didn't get reborn as a wizard, I am here as the Devil! You could say I got converted to the _darker_ side."

"Satan?" Voldemort gasped, almost in awe. "The real Satan?" Voldemort smiled in a friendly way, or at least as friendly as you can appear when you're a Dark Lord with no nose and a short temper talking to a guy with horns who claims to be Satan. "But I've always wanted to meet you! You're my favorite hero. I'm a huge fan of your work!"

Sirius winked. "Good, then you'll get to experience it firsthand for eternity."

"What do you mean?"

Sirius handed him the little paper, which had been crumpled up in his pocket for what felt like a decade.

"What is this?" Voldemort asked as his red, slit eyes examined the little note. There was nothing written on the paper ticket except "James Potter" and "I.O.U" written on the other side. "What's an I.O.U.?"

"It's what YOU OWE ME, Voldemort," Sirius said, then he flicked his wand again and tons more little papers with names and I.O.U.s appeared.

Each paper held a name of one of his victims or bystanders in the war. Soon the room was filled with hundreds of papers.

Lily Potter.

Marlene McKinnon, the McKinnon brothers.

Dorcas Meadows and her family.

Prewett brothers - Gideon and Fabian. IOU.

Euphemia and Fleamont Potter, who lost their only son and died of grief soon after. IOU.

Harry who never got to grow up with his parents. IOU.

Mad-Eye Moody's missing limbs and eye. IOU.

Alice and Frank Longbottom.

Neville never getting to be raised by his parents. IOU.

Colin Creevey. IOU.

Regulus Black, who died defying him. IOU.

Cedric Diggory, who never got to live his life. IOU.

Tom Riddle Senior and his innocent muggle parents.

"You killed even your grandparents, didn't you?" Sirius muttered in disgust. Not even he, as much as he hated his family, would kill a parent or grandparent.

"They asked for it!" Voldemort said with unsatiated blood-lust. "I had a right to kill my bastard father and my worthless, muggle grandparents."

"Did these people all ask for it?"

Soon the room was filled with hundreds of papers which swirled about and fell on Voldemort's head.

"Why are you showing me this for? What do I care?" Voldemort screamed, sensing his karmic end was near, yet refusing to see the guilt of his own crimes or to say even one apology. "I would have thought you, as the Devil, would know that! I don't care about people!"

Sirius smirked. "I may be the devil, but I still have a heart."

"Not a beating heart. Sirius, join me, together you and I, as the devil on earth and Dark Lord ruling below, we could be great, unstoppable, we could overthrow god himself!"

Sirius held back his temper, which was ready to rip this arrogant fool to shreds, but he let Voldemort keep talking so he could bury himself in a bigger hole.

Voldemort tapped his wand eagerly against his hand. "Can't you see the potential? Join me, Sirius."

Sirius chuckled. "Your arrogance truly knows no bounds. But no, I won't be making any pact with a mortal, especially not one I hate as much as you."

"I'm not mortal! I have Horcruxes, many of them! Even you, or Death himself, cannot kill me!" Voldemort taunted.

"Oh you mean these little things?" Sirius chuckled and showed him the trashcan of empty and destroyed Horcruxes. "All taken care of by my demon squad, I'm afraid."

Voldemort's mouth opened and closed in shock as the shitstorm of the situation started to sink-in his reptilian brain, the pale Dark Lord was looking even paler than usual. "How did you find those?"

"Oh, it wasn't that hard when you chose just about the most obvious places and items to hide it." Sirius scratched his head as he wondered how in god's name someone, supposedly a Dark Lord, could be so entirely stupid. "If you had only used a lowly stone or pebble to hide your soul, then thrown it into the ocean, that would've been a much more difficult Horcruxe to find, even for my demons."

"You still can't take me," Voldemort growled. "I'm a POWERFUL AND MIGHTY WIZARD! I CAN DEFEAT YOU MYSELF!"

Sirius chuckled as Voldemort charged towards him.

"CRUCIO! AVADA KEDAVRA! INCENDIO! SEPTUM DISORDIUM! CONFLAGIO!" Voldemort listed off every spell he knew as he tried to attack Sirius and destroy him, but every spell just flew off him like water.

Finally, Sirius sighed and took out his devil pitchfork wand and twisted it. Voldemort's own spindly wand immediately burst into slivers and fell apart in his hand.

"Join me!" Voldemort pleaded, trying to look tough despite not even having a wand anymore.

"I will join you hell freezes over, becomes a skating rink and we use your dislocated, sorry head as the hockey puck."

"Huh?" Voldemort clearly didn't understand what hockey was. Though he would soon when Sirius detached his balls and used them for knee pads on the demon goalie.

Sirius licked his lips. "Never mind. I'll see you in hell."

He reached out his clawed hand and ripped Voldemort's heart right out of his chest.

"This one's for you James."

Then he ripped Voldemort's face off while still leaving his eyeballs which rolled in fear in their sockets.

"Cheer up, Voldemort, this is just the start of a very, very long stay."

He then used all his force to kick Voldemort out of the room and through the abyss that had opened up in the floor.

Voldemort fell screaming all the way to Hell.

"Say hi to the demons for me! You're quite the popular guy down there, everyone's been dying to meet you!"

.

.

a/n - thank you to my beta who encouraged me to make this more violent, though gore is not my forte...The ripping of the face thing is a reference to the game Castlevania Dracula versus Satan which is quite gruesome and my devil Sirius is much nicer and more forgiving!


	7. Epilogue: Happily Hell After

a/n: I like evil sirius so much I decided to add a bonus chapter :) I am also writing some christmas stories and many other sirius stories. I will also be posting a founders oneshot soon, so stay tuned if you're interested. Prompts: [Yuletide Gauntlet, Odin - The Valkries -Or write about Bellatrix Lestrange.]

* * *

 **Epilogue:** **Happily Hell After!**

* * *

 _'If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain'_ the radio speakers blasted in the background.

"Ah this is the life!"

Sirius sat back in his lawn chair sipping at strawberry mojitos, while listening to very good, corny 70s music.

He thought he wanted to take some time off and take a vacation from Hell, but Sirius changed his mind: he really was enjoying the staycation here.

"Oh Susie-demon, can you pass me Voldemort's head? It's my turn to serve!" Sirius said as he stood up and took off his Ray-Bans so he could take his turn at their mini golf tournament. He grabbed his devil red, pitchforked golf club and swung it around a few times.

"Sure thing, boss," Susie-the-demoness said with a smile. She used one of her long clawed hands to pass the screaming head of Voldemort over, right off his regurgitated body.

"That's just right!" Sirius squinted and focused his aim as Peter's dislocated handsadjusted Voldemort's head onto the Tee.

Voldemort's head sighed and Sirius chuckled. "Why looking so glum, don't you like mini-golf?" Sirius asked leisurely.

Voldemort's red, furious eyes looked up at him. "Eat dirt, bloodtraitor."

Sirius chuckled even louder and wiped away a tear of pure joy. Behind him, some of his she-demonesses joined in laughing raucously. The girls were all dressed in their pink demon golf-gear and looking very fit.

"That's really cute, Voldemort. I have to say I can't get over how fun all of you golf balls are."

"Indeed!" Alice and Frank Demonbottoms, who had transfigured back into their human forms, agreed. "Oh, our golf ball has been nothing but trouble. Still Alice couldn't stop swinging her club, she was having so much fun. So I think we scored enough points to win this game."

The Demonbottom's golf ball, Bellatrix's ugly head, stuck out her velvet tongue at them. Though from the missing clumps of hair on Bellatrix's head, she had already taken quite a few swings.

"Don't be so sure yet." Sirius concentrated on raising his golf club and swinging with perfect aim. His steel club hit Voldemort's head at a perfect angle and speed and the pale, nose-less head went flying into the hole.

The head disappeared with a burst of flames into the hole.

"HOLE IN ONE! ALL FOUR HOLES! THAT'S A STRIKE!" Sirius cheered and began to dance happily across the grass pitch of the golf course.

One of the golf ball heads disagreed, however. Umbridge's head narrowed her eyes and said authoritatively. "From where I was standing, it didn't look like you got that hole completely in. It was rather skewed to the left and your swing was rather lacking from a professional point of view AHHHHHH!"

Umbridge screamed as her head went rolling into a golf hole filled with fire.

Alice, who had struck the hole-in-one, jumped up and down. "That's another one!"

"Thanks Alice! You have the best aim!" The demon team clapped hands.

It was nice to see the Demonbottoms enjoying themselves and vacationing. Although Sirius had to admit to himself, he was the best boss ever. None of his employees in the demon squad lacked for anything, they all had their freedom to come-and-go as they pleased, plus the work was really fulfilling and came with great retirement and savings plan. Yes, it was perfectly a good, respectable establishment he was running here in hell.

Sirius leaned back against his golf-club and enjoyed the beauty of the fiery, water falls and volcanic black-sand beaches around him. Hell could really be a beautiful place in the summer.

"Does anybody want to go swimming?" he asked them.

"Yess!" Everybody cheered and grabbed their Voldemort body-boards.

"Just make sure you don't get flame-burn from staying out too long in the flame-light," Sirius said as he whipped out of his clothes and into his black leather speedo and applied sun-lotion to his back.

He slathered a bit of the lotion onto his back. But then he threw away the bottle. "Ah, who am I kidding? I'm the Devil, I don't burn! I roast!"

Sirius grinned widely as his eyes reflected the beautiful flame covered sea around him. The rich, hot volcanic sand of the beach felt just right on his bare feet. He was made for this place, and this place was made for him. Even if it was still technically called HELL, to Sirius this was heaven on earth. He put back his Ray-Bans on, enjoying the way they looked over his red flame filled irises.

"I'm the hottest son of a bitch you'll ever meet," Sirius declared, and with that, he grabbed his Walburga Black head volleyball and ran out towards the water.

And that is the end.

 ** _Happily hell after!_**

~o~

A/N: Hope you enjoyed this piece of dark crackfic. I actually believe in forgiveness, however, in real life - yes I know forgivness is boring, but hodling onto hate can be bad for your health. So I encourage you to read "The Five People Snape meets in hell" or another positive story

Have a great Halloween (yes I know it's december yikes, but I started this in halloween!) and technically this is complete but I will be adding some bonus footage of Harry and Sirius having a chat and meeting :)

 **Coming next another bonus chapter: Sirius and Harry reunion**

thanks for reading


	8. Meanwhile Back on Earth

a/n: Bonus Chapter of Harry's side of things and warning for more DARK CRACK FIC!

And thank you crimsonmage for pointing out that I made Dumbledore somewhat bad and going to hell in this story, while in my other story 'The 5 Ppl Snape Meets in Heaven' I say in the author's note that Dumbledore was neither light or bad and would probably go to heaven. Well, to be honest, I don't think Dumbledore was intentionally bad. The only reason Dumble ends up in hell in this story is because Sirius is angry and this sort of his distorted version of events. From Sirius's POV, I think he'd be pretty angry at Dumbledore, once he realizes all that he was up to. Plus if Sirius is the devil, he could sort of take his rage out on anybody. Realistically? (because this story is crackfic) No, Dumbledore wasn't actually bad or in need of severe punishment. Maybe a few slaps on the wrists but that's it. Anyways, hope that explains my pov and it's crackfic so it is sort of completely dark, distorted and opposite version of my Heaven story. But thank you for reviewing Crimson mage and pointing that out, I appreciate it and that you read both stories! (and apparently remember my own stories better than me! XD)

Anyways, I don't write Harry often, except once in my Harry/Luna story, so let's see how it goes and thank you to everyone that read along and follow/faved/reviewed. I appreciate it!

* * *

 **Meanwhile Back on Earth...  
**

* * *

Harry Potter was just getting up from another stressed, unhappy day at the Dursleys, when he received a package. He had been staying the summer, as per usual, with his awful Aunt and Uncle, and this summer was especially bad because the only kind family he ever had—Sirius Black, his godfather—had died just a few weeks ago. So he'd been mostly mourning and depressed, and not even Hermione or Ron sent him many letters anymore. They seemed to want to give him space since most of his replies had been rather monotonous and 'yes' or 'no' types of replies. Plus, their letters—dripping with sympathy—really didn't cheer him up either, if he was honest.

He loved his friends, but just now, nothing could bring him out of his hole of depression.

Losing Sirius, the only family he ever had in about 12 years, had just left a gaping hole too deep.

So Harry was surprised and rather shocked when he brushed the black dust off the package (for some reason the brown paper covered box seemed to be covered in ashes) and saw who it was addressed from.

 _'To Harry Potter,_ _4 Privet Drive_ _, Little Whinging, Surrey, England, Great Britain_

 _Please open this package when no one's looking._

 _Much love,_

 _from your godfather, Sirius Black (currently residing in Hell, don't ask. Long story but I assure you I'm fine...more than fine actually!)'  
_

Harry looked frantically up.

Was that an owl with devil's horns and black feathers he saw? Harry stared incredulously at the owl, he'd never seen a bird or owl like that before.

The odd-looking bird seemed to come from...hell itself.

Harry frowned and re-read the address on the package. Was Sirius actually being serious about being in hell, or was this some kind of cruel prank, perhaps from Draco Malfoy or one of the Slytherins?

Well, there was only one way to find out, and he was going to be very angry if someone was playing tricks on him and pretending to be his godfather from beyond the veil. Harry took out his wand and decided to carefully open the package without touching anything, in case it had been magicked.

'Bloody buggering hell,' Harry gasped as the contents of the package fell out and he stood back in shock.

* * *

...to be continued shortly :) Bonus points if you can guess what sirius sent him!


End file.
